Category Archives: Musings

Waiting to Exhale taught me so much

One of the most influential movies to ever teach me about sex debuted twenty years ago, today – the beastly Waiting to Exhale. That movie taught me so much about sex and sexuality from the African American woman’s perspective. From Angela Basset setting an entire BMW on fire because her husband left her for a white woman he was having sex with, and who doubled as his secretary. To Whitney’s high-class ass having sex with a man who makes the most guttural sounds when he orgasms during sex. And Lela Rochon’s abortion… And lest we never forget that Queen Sister Loretta Divine kisses Gregory Hines. There was just so much… And that soundtrack a piece of art! There should be an entire 3-hour class session dedicated to analyzing this movie.

Married + 10 years + No sex = ___________.

I met a man a few days ago. He has been married for 16 years. He hasn’t had sex with his wife in 11 years. She said she has had no desire because of something he said to her 11 years ago. He is desperate, and wants a divorce. Without saying the following…:

1. I would have left that relationship a long time ago

2. He should have been cheated

3. She is cheating on him

4. He’s the victim and she is the devil

…how would you have handled this if it were you?

Court is now in session!

 

Summer, I will miss you…

WOW. What a summer. There was a birthday, a glorious day on the river, a magnificent wedding, and another birthday. There was an emergency tooth extraction that left me voiceless… Such a lesson for me. There was the killing of yet another Black Prince, and the non-arrest of another white man. Summer I will miss you… Shall we do this again, same time next year? I think so too…

Peace

Just because we had sex doesn’t mean_______.

1. That we are in love

2. That we will fall in love

3. That we have to be “weird” to each other in the days that follow

4. That we will be forever

5. That we will meet each other’s friends

6. …or family

7. That there will be a second time

8. That the sex will be good/better/best the second time

9. That either of us will remember any details in a few years

 

It does mean that we chose to share a part of ourselves in that moment… For some there is nothing more, or nothing less.

Feel free to add to this non-exhaustive list…

Court is in session.

Have you ever had* sex because of a song?

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While listening to some old Jodeci “Freek’n You,” it occurred to me that those of us raised in the 80s and 90s listened to some “nasty” music. And if we are honest with ourselves, our parents were listening to some “nasty” music too (think Clarence Carter, “I be Strokin’,” Marvin Sease, “Candy Licker,” and Betty Wright, “Tonight is the Night”)!!  So the question becomes, have you ever actually had sex because of a song?

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My Guest Post is Live!

Shay PP

I was recently presented with the opportunity to write for a great blog called The Parents Project and that post is live!! I am so excited to share it. The post offers tips on ways for parents to have “the talk” with their children.

Feel free to read my post as well as play around with resources on The Parents Project!

More importantly, share with us what your parents/guardians/old folks told you about sex!

Court is now in session!

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The [(potentially) hard] questions.

Who are you sexually?

How did you become this person?

Do you like the sexual person you have become?

Are you proud of your sexual self?

Do you hate your sexual self?

What is the name of the best lover you’ve ever had?

Is the best lover you’ve ever had you…?

Where do you feel sexually inadequate?

Where do you feel sexually free?

Have you talked to Jesus about any of this?

What did he say?

Not a fan of Jesus? Cool.  Well, have you talked to any supernatural being about your sexual self?

Do you feel ashamed or guilty after you watch porn?

You don’t watch porn? Ok, well how about after you masturbate? You don’t masturbate either? Ok, send me an email so we can rectify that.

Who loved the way your genitals looked?

Who made you feel ashamed about the way your genitals looked?

What are your sexual fantasies? You don’t fantasize either. Send me that email ASAP.

Court is now in session.

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Why are people so afraid of nakedness?

Three Dancers | William H. Johnson | ca. 1940

I was reading this article about a yoga studio in NYC that offers nude, co-ed classes in an effort to help people overcome body insecurity.  Naturally, I’m in total support of this.  And then I read the comments.  It was like a swift kick in the gut.  People were actually using words like “yuck” and “ewww” and “disgusting” to describe their feelings about the class.  I am 99% sure my face screwed up something serious while reading these.  And so the question became not where is this class and how can I take it, but rather, why is everyone so afraid/nervous/freaked out/grossed out/intimidated by being naked?

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Would you have sex with someone who is in an open relationship?

And here it is, yet another snow day.  Let us jump into some sexual relationship conversations, shall we?

It is no secret how I feel about monogamous relationships  - I think they’re a tad bit ridiculous. However, I realize and respect that monogamy is a major desire for a lot of folks.  And I’m not knocking ANYONE who HAS a healthy, empowering, freedom-giving, awesome-sex having monogamous relationship.  I just hope that folks dig down real deep and ask themselves why they desire monogamy (or anything in life for that matter).  Is it because you watched

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When Masculinity gets offended…

Snow day?  Check.  Shall we talk about sex and gender?  Check.

I had the pleasure of presenting at the 3rd Annual L.O.C.S. Conference at Harvard Law over the weekend and it was wonderful!  Met amazing people and had fabulous conversations about sex and sexuality.  Interestingly enough, the topic that is still on my mind today is that of masculinity.    Specifically, how masculinity is taught and what messages we send to our masculine-identified folks.

Bkln Boihood presented a workshop entitled Un/Doing Masculinity and it really had me feeling some kinda way.  I mean, masculine people of color get the shitty end of the stick in a lot of ways if you ask me. Yes, patriarchy is real. Yes, male/masculine privilege is real.  Yes, there are some real masculine douche-bags in the world.  But, take a second and think about some of the gender education masculine folks get:

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