You think they’re cheating, so you invade their privacy


It’s happened to the best of us.  Those fleeting moments when your spirit tells you that your partner may be cheating on or lying to you. It’s a weird feeling ain’t it?  A feeling that makes you question everything you know to be true in life. When this feeling shows up some people talk to a trusted friend to get their opinion on how to approach the situation; while others may not tell a single soul.

And then you have the other people…

You already know who they are. Some of you reading this right now may be “the other people.” The ones who feel justified looking through their partner’s cell phone, email, FB accounts, instagram, twitter, etc. to “find the truth.”   The “truth” these people say they are seeking is some sort of confirmation that their partner has been cheating, usually in the form of naked pictures taken in a dirty bathroom or explicit text messages about having sex in the backseat of a car while on lunch breaks.

And then it happens. You find something. You find something that confirms what you already knew.  You already knew they were cheating because your spirit told you so. That’s why you went snooping in the first damn place, right?

So I ask the question: is it right to invade someone’s privacy when you think they are cheating? Here is a better question: why don’t you trust your spirit when it first tells you something isn’t right? Why do you NEED the outside confirmation? Is it that you don’t trust your spirit? Maybe that’s it! Maybe you don’t trust your spirit and that’s how you got into this situation.  Maybe your spirit told you not to mess with this person in the first place and you didn’t listen then!  So, maybe the real issue isn’t that you don’t trust your partner, but that you don’t trust yourself….  I know, I know, you’re not really going to admit that that’s the reason you went through their stuff.  But there is a reason, and it is probably much deeper than “I just needed to know for sure.”

Court is now in session.


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5 thoughts on “You think they’re cheating, so you invade their privacy

  1. Is it right? No its not but it happens. To me once you feel the need to go that route the relationship is over already or at least at a serious point of deterioration.

    In 2002 I was in the position of deal with someone that was acting really shady and my 6th sense which has never failed me told me something was up. At the time there was a social media site we were both on and I had her PW strictly to do the html for her page. I said screw I’m hopping in her Inbox. And of course I found what I was looking for. She was not only entertaining another guy but was talking smack about me behind my back while smiling to my face.

    I didnt make a big scene but I cut her off immediately. We’ve long since healed the friendship but that moment set a new mark for us. I apologized for invading her privacy but stood firm on doing it.

    If I felt that way today I wouldn’t waste the energy and just leave.

    • Brother to the Night says:

      Damn, damn, damn LaShay stop starting stuff early in the morning. I do have some packing to do. I think a person is entitled to a sense of personal prviacy in a relationship. Now that doesn’t mean you hiding dead bodies in the basement, but you shouldn’t have to worry about your partner trying to hack into any account.

      People will do what they want to do at the end of the day regardless of the situatuon. I feel if you get the sneaky suspicion that something is going on or not quite right, talk to your partner. If they can’t soothe your worries or concern keep your eyes wide open. Something will happen without you having to snoop that will confirm your suspecion. I think the proverb that your grandparents used to say still holds true “what’s done in the dark will come to light in the day.”

      Just my $.02 for the day

  2. PharaohZoe says:

    This is a good question. Transparency between people who have an agreement to “play fairly” and not “cheat” suggests at any given time one partner, or the other, or both parties are willing to undergo a “seize and search” for reasonable probable cause related to infractions of playing fairly lol… There’s no exact answer to whether this particular fact-finding approach is right or wrong — it really depends on the time, conditions, nature of the relationship, and how the parties define things like cheating. Ultimately, I always recommend that if cheating or even the suspicion of cheating within reason disrupts ones’ sense of peace, makes you feel off-center, and/or creates/promotes disharmony — and the person causing the circumstance is unwilling, hesitant, wreckless, or incapable of resolving the things that cause suspicion of cheating and subsequently the ill-state I described above, then either redefine the context of the relationship or leave.
    KenZoe Selassie, PhD

  3. fabulous says:

    Cheating and lying—let’s take this into the disaster zone immediately. I have work to do. You have work to do. I trust you to be in the world. This does mean that you will not be attracted to other people, and if I am not around you may even flirt. That should be enough to feed your ego (too many Leos in my past!) and allow you to come to me ready to play. I, on the other hand, must be willing to play. Not so caught up in the world that you become secondary or under appreciated—no I am not making this the scorned one’s fault—but remember that there are at least two people in this. When you take it to cheating and lying you dishonor me, yourself and whomever you are messing with as well. As Syleena Johnson says in “Guess What” go on back to your momma’s house. I am busy trying to make the world a better place for me and my people. Cheating and lying indicate that you are not ready to deal with your own stuff. I need to come home and not have to deal with the messiness or craziness in my own house. If you want someone or something else please go. I need a lover who loves me and the work we do in the world. I don’t have time for foolishness. All of this is to say I am not interested in what you are hiding. I have no desire to read your email, or other correspondences, because it is not about your being with someone else, but about our intimacy. I am openly in the relationship you need to be as well, which also means knowing when to leave. Cheating? Lying? Just leave. If you wait until I find out (and it will come out without snooping on my part)—then the rupture may be irreparable.

  4. One’s actions towards someone else is always a reflection of self. If someone goes to the point of searching through the privacy of their partner, it is an exact reflection of their own insecurities, their lack of trust of themselves and their judgment. To be upfront and honest and authentic, to me, is the key to any healthy relationship – even if it means the healthy relationship is one that does not involve the two people being together anymore. Relationships are connections with people, even the lack thereof. Of course everyone deserves the truth and sometimes you won’t get the truth from the person willing or from asking so I see how people get to this point of snooping. Whether or not it’s justifiable, I don’t know, that’s not my place to judge. But this is an interesting question to pose and I look forward to seeing this conversation unfold.

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